


Please Stay

by sujired



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Little Fluff, M/M, Panic Attacks, it gets real wholesome towards the end tho ngl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:54:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27381520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sujired/pseuds/sujired
Summary: "So when I look at all the good memories I have with you all, it’s kinda overwhelming sometimes, because sometimes I don’t believe that many people would genuinely be sad if I just...disappear.”or,how Tsukishima realizes he actually knows almost nothing about Kageyama.
Relationships: Kageyama Tobio/Tsukishima Kei
Comments: 10
Kudos: 167





	Please Stay

_“Sometimes, I just feel so close to giving up._

_And then I’m like, you know, I now have a team who wouldn’t abandon me and I have a family and, dare I say even friends, and then I realize I’ll do harm to others if I do harm to myself._

_But then sometimes the angry irrational side of me thinks that you’re all being so selfish, wanting to keep me here while I’m only in misery._

_So when I look at all the good memories I have with you all, it’s kinda overwhelming sometimes, because sometimes I don’t believe that many people would genuinely be sad if I just...disappear.” ___

____

Startled, Tsukishima’s eyes burst open and he snapped his head to his left. His headphones that are playing music soft enough that he’s able to hear everything around him, clanks into the floor.

The words that fell from Kageyama, who’s lying next to him on the wood floor of the gym staring blankly at the ceiling, sounds...so disturbingly wrong and empty. They crawl under Tsukishima’s skin, something akin to panic blossoms in his chest but he doesn’t dare move. Did Kageyama mention...giving up? Being in misery? ...dying? It’s so unexpected that Tsukishima is even second-guessing hearing anything coming from the setter’s mouth in the first place. 

It’s way after afternoon practice now, the sun almost setting completely and cool air settles over Miyagi Prefecture. Today’s practice was tiring but it was relatively normal for a day’s work. It’s also a Wednesday, meaning the first years are usually in charge of locking up and taking care of the gym. However this time, Hinata had to get home as soon as possible to look after Natsu while Yamaguchi’s father was arriving this afternoon after a long business trip, wanting to have a family dinner. 

Therefore, leaving Tsukishima and Kageyama to be the ones in charge tonight. The rest of the team offered to stay back knowing they’re short-staffed for the night as well as how the dynamic between Kageyama and Tsukishima works, but they both brushed them off, saying they can handle it by themselves. Daichi had given them a skeptical look, but Sugawara had scolded him and told him to ‘have some faith in them’. And with that, the two remaining first years are left alone with the keys to lock up the gym.

It’s been several months since the middle blocker and setter first met, exchanging heated words at each other that first night. Of course, now, nothing much has changed, but the time passes by and slowly but surely, the irritation that they held for each other faded to a mild annoyance. Tsukishima wouldn’t exactly call them friends, Kageyama’s temperament clashing with his usually uncaring nature, but he wouldn’t call them enemies either. They learned from a while ago that they’ll be on the same side of the court no matter what, so it’s better to simply coexist with each other rather than argue. 

That doesn’t mean they don’t still get into arguments here and there. 

Putting that aside, overall, Tsukishima’s relationship with Kageyama isn’t the greatest, but it isn't the worst. This is why after they took care of putting away the volleyballs and the net, locking them away in the storage and sweeping the floors, Kageyama invited Tsukishima to lay on the floor of the empty gym with him, seeming to have magically used up all his energy. It surprised Tsukishima that Kageyama even proposed something like that with him in the first place. He was reluctant at first. But then he thought about how little homework he was blessed with this weekend and how he really doesn’t have anything to lose. So with that, he lays down with his headphones placed on top of his ears, softly playing some lo-fi from his phone next to Kageyama. 

He didn’t expect to gain such a heavy, depressing insight into the mind of Kageyama Tobio. 

Hearing such words from him almost sounds like a forbidden curse of some kind. Tsukishima barely is able to wrap his head around the million thoughts that were bouncing around in his head until it was interrupted with equally disturbing…

Laughter?

There lies Kageyama Tobio, laughing in such a hollow manner, the type of laugh that comes from the back of the throat instead of from the depths of the stomach. He remains laying down but the laugh sounds mechanical. It’s not genuine and he knows since there’s a slightly panicked edge to it, as if he’s trying to control the tension that he has accidentally created. 

Tsukishima doesn’t know what to do, how to react according to the scene presented to him, except he slowly takes off his headphones and rests them on his right side on the floor. He kinda wishes Sugawara was here instead, knowing he could possibly handle whatever this was in a better manner. But there’s one thing for sure, it scares him. It truly terrifies him and Kageyama plus terror does not add up unless it's on the court and he’s playing at his full potential. 

“Oh god, I can’t believe I just said that to you of all people.” Kageyama says with a crazed smile on his face, still laughing as if someone was forcing him too. All Tsukishima can do is stare until he forces out his next words. 

“Why are you laughing?”

The laughter carries on for a bit, slowly coming to a stop. His smile doesn’t completely disappear but the look of emptiness remains in his eyes, staring upwards. Tsukishima holds his breath, trying to gauge what the setter’s next move is but Kageyama lets out a slow sigh. 

The words that Tsukishima would use to describe Kageyama are ‘simpleton’, ‘intense’ and, begrudgingly, ‘passionate’. If there’s one thing that (he would never) admit is that Kageyama’s passion for volleyball is admirable. It’s a type of passion that Tsukishima himself probably would’ve had a smidge of if he wasn’t emotionally scarred by his experiences witnessing his brother's own high school volleyball career. But a word he wouldn’t use to describe Kageyama was ‘depressed’.

Kageyama is depressed. Even thinking about it leaves a sour taste in Tsukishima’s mouth. Kageyama potentially has depression, a mental illness. The sentence doesn’t make sense to Tsukishima. The same kid who practices with never-ending energy, constantly keeping up with Hinata who’s the literal embodiment of Road Runner. The kid who tried to sneak off to see how Shiratorizawa practices and doesn’t seem to have any hobbies outside of volleyball.

But here, right now, Kageyama doesn’t seem like anywhere close to the person described before. 

Usually, he hates interfering with people’s lives, but this, this was too big of an issue to leave alone. Tsukishima is horribly amazed by the current version of Kageyama, the duality that is being displayed in front of him and he needs to understand how this side of Kageyama came about.

“K-“ Tsukishima stops before continuing, unsure whether the nickname he uses to torment Kageyama would do more harm but good. But he needs to grab his full attention, so he decides to settle with a simple-

“Tobio.”

Kageyama, whose eyes grew tired from his laughing session and were on the verge of closing, shoots open. Suddenly he feels as if someone has poured ice water on top of him and he’s instantly feeling cold and alarmingly awake. The weight of the words he had let out that started this shift of mood is suddenly sinking into Kageyama’s mind and he realizes he made a grave mistake. 

He’s extremely aware of where he is now and, more importantly, who he’s with. Suddenly, with that he quickly leans forward upright, his head instantly cradled by his hands that threads into his hair and he’s pulling frantically. He moves as if afraid to look towards Tsukishima, his heart rate increasing as he begins to mutter to himself over and over again and he’s well on his way to a full-blown panic attack.

“Tobio please-“

“No no no! Oh god, Tsukishima I-“

“Kei.”

All movement stops again and Kageyama goes very still. Slowly looking up, seeing Tsukishima also sitting upright next to him, twisted towards him with a hand in the air, hovering as if hesitant to make physical contact with him. In the end, he decided to place his hand back in his lap, but the look of concern doesn’t leave his face. 

“Call me Kei.”

Tsukishima doesn’t know why he asked Kageyama to call him by his first name, other than the fact that the power balance between them needs to be even if he gets to call Kageyama ‘Tobio’ again. However, Kageyama stopped pulling his hair, which is a small win in Tsukishima’s books as he knows that can cause him to have a headache very soon. 

Kageyama’s breathing becomes labored again when he sees Tsukishima begin to slightly lean towards him and cautiously wrap his hands around Kageyama’s wrists. Time goes still as both boys stare intensely at each other, wondering who’s gonna move first but it ends up being Tsukishima that slowly pulls Kageyama’s now limp hands away from his hair, holding them up in midair. 

“Tobio you need to breathe, okay? I’m-I’m not gonna go anywhere, I promise. It’s okay.” Tsukishima says slowly, maintaining eye contact. He silently curses at himself for stuttering but he can’t help it, this type of situation is foreign when it comes to Kageyama. He regains his focus on his teammate, knowing he needs to calm him down. Kageyama is still frozen, and with another movement, Tsukishima then takes one of his hands that are still holding onto Kageyama’s wrist and places one of his hands firmly on his stomach, while placing the other on Kageyama’s own stomach. 

Out of reflex, Kageyama slightly flinches but remains stiff. With a deep breath of his own, Tsukishima begins to instruct to the best of his ability. 

“Breathe with me. Follow the rise and fall of my stomach okay, you’re gonna match my breaths.”

With that Kageyama lets out, in Tsukishima’s opinion, an extremely disturbing gasp, trying to gather as much air as he can in one go. Tsukishima tries his hardest not to panic himself, giving his full attention to Kageyama who’s not breathing and the last thing he needs is a passed-out setter on his hands. 

Tsukishima’s knowledge of panic attacks goes as far as what he’s read offhand in books and on the internet, so no, he’s not a trained professional. But he’d be damned if he didn’t try at least something. 

Slowly but surely, Kageyama’s breaths turn from stuttering gasps of air to a more mellowed breathing pattern. And when Kageyama seems to be in a much calmer state, Tsukishima slowly lets go of Kageyama’s hands, which retracts and wraps around his legs, pulling it into his chest and resting his head in between his knees. 

“Are you okay?” Tsukishima decides to ask first. He’s met with silence and Tsukishima is back to square one, trying to figure out what’s the next best move. He doesn’t want to push Kageyama, but he needs to be reassured that he isn’t going to faint in front of him.

After a minute of mentally laying out the next options, Tsukishima decides that water is probably the best. He goes to stand until an arm shoots out and holds his wrist. Surprised, Tsukishima settles his gaze onto Kageyama who refuses to look up at him, but has his right arm extended out, connected to Tsukishima. 

“Please, don’t go...Kei”

He says it so tiredly and timidly, almost as if he was testing out the sentence. But Tsukishima knows he’s in no position to refuse his request, even if he thinks getting him something to drink or even eat first is most important. Cautiously, Tsukishima settles to a criss-cross seated position directly in front of the human ball of Kageyama, who still hasn’t let go of Tsukishima’s wrist. 

A thought passes Tsukishima's mind, and before he can regret it he asks.

“Do...you want a hug?” The question, even though he was the one to ask, still manages to surprise Tsukishima after it was said out loud. The hand around Tsukishima’s wrists tightens and Kageyama lets out a jerky nod from where his head is resting on his knees, shocking him even further. Tsukishima knows he can be an asshole, but he isn’t so much of one that he would refuse to comfort someone who went through a terribly vulnerable experience, even if that someone was Kageyama. He can’t leave him here, that’s too cruel, even for Tsukishima.

So with that, Tsukishima crawls behind Kageyama, who lets go of his wrist, and wraps his arms lightly at first around the setter’s entire form. After sensing no discomfort, he adds more weight to his hold, firmly securing Kageyama under his chin, legs placed on both sides. Kageyama doesn’t move from his original position and silence falls among them yet again. 

Giving Tsukishima time to run over Kageyama’s confession. 

Kageyama wants to give up. He wants to give up life. It’s amazing to Tsukishima how bluntly he said it. But then realizes it probably is partially due to Kageyama thinking he can’t hear anything with his headphones on and, if he has to guess, how tired his brain must be. 

His mind then runs over the thought of Kageyama when he’s alone, his brain mentally jerks at the world of horrible possibilities. What does Kageyama even do outside of volleyball? How deep do those thoughts run? Does he...cause harm to himself? Is he going to be okay after this? Tsukishima knows he’s out of his depth here. And only Kageyama holds all the answers. 

It’s probably been an hour since they decided to lay on the gym floor, the sky an inky navy now but none of them moved. Tsukishima wants answers. He needs to know what’s going on in Kageyama’s mind before they evidently part ways. So with a deep sigh, he decides to break the somewhat peacefulness that fell among them. 

“Tobio,” Tsukishima starts off softly, not to startle the boy in his arms. He’s honestly still adjusting to calling Kageyama his first name in a non-panicked state, “are you okay?” He decides to ask again because he never got an answer to this original question in the first place. Kageyama slowly moves his head from between his knees and stares forward. 

“I’m okay.” He replies in a quiet hoarse tone. Tsukishima knows in the grand scheme of things, he’s full of shit. But as of right now, he accepts the response in reference to getting over his panic attack, which is better than nothing. 

Tsukishima then realizes that Kageyama is probably embarrassed by the fact that he is technically being spooned by him. And with that thought, a slight blush creeps onto his face because, yeah, Tsukishima is in fact back hugging Kageyama. If their teammates walked onto them in the position that they were, Tsukishima is sure that they would all have a heart attack and think that hell froze over or something. And they would never hear the end of it.

“Okay.” Tsukishima replies. “Um, do you want to talk about it?” He slightly cringes at himself for sounding so awkward and forced. He doesn’t want Kageyama to think he’s asking out of obligation. Which he apparently does think anyway. 

“You don’t have to ask Tsukishima,” Kageyama says with a hint of a dry laugh, “it’s okay. I’ll be fine-”

“Cut the crap, okay? You just had a panic attack in front of me after saying what you said and you expect me to believe you?” Tsukishima cuts in. Because, really, Tsukishima doesn’t want to go in circles with Kageyama about this when everything is already laid out in front of both of them. He might be asking the questions but in reality, he just wants to hear Kageyama himself admit he’s not anywhere close to being okay in the slightest. “Also I said you can call me Kei.” He decided to tack on, grumbling. If he’s gonna call Kageyama by his first name he’s gonna need him to call him by his first name as well in order to make this any less awkward than it is. 

Kageyama becomes quiet again. And they remain in silence for a few minutes until Kageyama decides to speak up again. 

“I’m sorry you had to hear what I unconsciously said. That was never supposed to be said out loud. And I know I caused trouble for you. Which is why I regret saying it so much.” Kageyama takes in a deep breath before continuing, “Also, don’t feel like you have to go out of your way for me. Actually, I’d rather you forget everything I told you. But thank you for taking care of me, Kei, you really didn’t have to.”

Of all the things Tsukishima didn’t expect, was that. Kageyama spoke with such grace, he never thought it would be possible for their setter to sound so put together. Kageyama is showing a side Tsukishima assumes no one else gets to see, not even Hinata. He doesn’t blame him for wanting Tsukishima to forget this evening ever happened. Still, he isn’t going to let go of this so easily. 

“Do you sometimes feel...like we’re gonna leave you, as if this is your middle school team?” Tsukishima decides to go straight to his first theory. If he thinks about it, it makes the most sense. The trauma Kageyama has from being abandoned by his team and friends in middle school is no news for Tsukishima. Thinking about it now and all the times he called him king with such anger and snark, it started to make him feel sick, believing that he became something so toxic to Kageyama’s psyche. 

Kageyama tenses up for a brief second, but it didn’t fly over Tsukishima’s head. The guilt squeezed Tsukishima’s chest as his thoughts are being technically confirmed.

“I-I know I should get over it, it’s not good to keep thinking about the past like that.” Kageyama starts. “But...it hurts, still? And I hate that it does.” He answers timidly, not sure if he should be responding to Tsukishima in the first place. It feels so foreign, to be sharing personal information like that, but his brain is too tired to put up a front.

“It’s okay if it hurts.” Tsukishima says back, because it’s the truth. “I’m sorry.” He says, because he is.

“What are you sorry for?”

“For...I mean c’mon Tobio I’m not the most innocent one here.” Tsukishima says softly. “I added to this, for calling you ‘King’,” Kageyama lets in a sharp inhale, “and basically reminding you about your experience in middle school. To be fair...you don’t even have to forgive me.” Tsukishima concludes.

It goes quiet again until Kageyama lets out a snort. “Dumbass. I think tonight proves enough how sorry you are, don’t be stupid and so full of yourself.”

Showing some signs of his normal behavior, Tsukishima exhales out, resting his face as much as he can into the crown of Kageyama’s head with a small smile. He feels relief flood in, partially because he’s forgiven but mostly because this is the most Kageyama sounded like himself tonight. 

“Thank god, we’re back to normal.” Tsukishima can’t help but to mutter into the dark hair in front of him. Kageyama turns his head as much as he can to face Tsukishima and glares, but there’s no heat behind it and he rolls his eyes, facing the front again.

“However, if you think I’m going to forget the rest of what you said though, you’re painstakingly mistaken.” Tsukishima continues, making Kageyama tense up briefly again. “Look, I might not be the best person to be telling you this, considering our history but…” he hesitates before adding, “I do care about you, a lot. And I know the rest of the team does too. We’re not your Kitagawa Daichi nightmare. I can promise you that. And…” he trails off, knowing that they’re fast approaching the elephant in the room.

Tsukishima knows that handling any talk of self-harm or death is not something that should be taken lightly. But he figures that an attempt to talk about it is better than not talking about it at all. The wound is already opened and it’s better to disinfect it before placing a bandaid on top of it.

“Tobio, please don’t do anything stupid, please?” Tsukishima decides to start with. “I don’t know what’s really going on inside of that brain of yours but it doesn’t sound good at all. And...if you leave,” he slightly chokes on the word but forces himself to continue, “we will all miss you terribly. And you might view that as selfish on our side. But, it’s also selfish on your end too, taking away someone we all care about. You can’t do that to us, we’ll all...fall apart.”

Tsukishima holds his breath, waiting for something, anything from Kageyama. But suddenly, the figure in front of him begins to tremble and soft sniffles emerge. Tsukishima’s mouth turns into cotton as he watches somewhat in awe as the powerhouse setter of Karasuno is reduced to body wracking tears. Something about the scene in front of Tsukishima makes him feel his heartbreak a bit and his hold on Kageyama grows tighter.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Kageyama chokes out, trying to break away from Tsukishima, frightening him to his core. He knows he has to do something, and quickly or else Kageyama might spiral into another panic attack and he knows that two panic attacks in a night will have him feeling like utter shit later. So with that in mind, Tsukishima firmly turns Kageyama around as much as he can, shifting his head onto his chest, and holds him close by the shoulders. He feels Kageyama breathe through his t-shirt and tears slowly soaking the fabric but he doesn’t care about any of that.

“It’s gonna be okay, please Tobio please breathe it’s okay.” And with that Tsukishima repeats it over and over again until Kageyama stops shaking and slowly becomes still again. Tsukishima is then suddenly aware of silent tears streaming down his own face but doesn’t move to wipe them away. They stay like that for a while again, the world seeming to slow down for both of them. It’s probably super late, but Tsukishima can’t bring himself to care.

“Tobio-” 

He stops talking abruptly as he sees Kageyama’s face looks relaxed for the first time today, eyes closed and breathing evenly, seeming to be in a deep sleep. The tension on his face is non-apparent and Tsukishima lets out a sigh of relief. Collecting himself, Tsukishima moved his hand to wipe his tears and looked at the clock on the wall. Seeing truly how late it is, and how tired they are, Kageyama more than Tsukishima, he decides that maybe they can spare some more time. He doesn’t have the heart to move Kageyama after all he’s been through.

Tsukishima decides to just simply put a mental pin in the conversation. He knows that he’ll have to revisit this situation at a later time, but for now, he reaffirms his hold onto Kageyama, bringing him closer to his chest. He knows this night isn’t going to fix everything wrong with the setter’s mindset, but he himself decides that he wants to do better, maybe gain a better understanding of Kageyama and create a real friendship if Kageyama allows him.

With that in mind, Tsukishima begins to trace patterns lightly onto Kageyama’s shoulder and decides to rest his eyes as well. He doesn’t know what later will bring him, but he’s going to try his best to be there for Kageyama. It’s a promise he makes with himself.

**Author's Note:**

> This has been sitting in my drafts for far too long but hope ya'll enjoy some tsukikage angst :)


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